編集と推敲Editing and Revision
Chapter Objectives
By the end of this chapter, you will be able to:
- Give and receive written feedback on a draft using constructions such as 〜たほうがいい and 〜と分かりやすい.
- Identify and revise overly wordy passages to make writing more concise using 〜を省く and related revision vocabulary.
- Improve cohesion between sentences and paragraphs using topic chains, connective revision, and reference cleanup.
- Recognize and correct register inconsistency within a single piece of writing.
- Identify and correct plausible learner errors in particle choice, predicate form, and kanji/homophone conversion.
- Read a marked-up draft and explain what each revision accomplishes.
- Revise your own Chapter 17 research summary using a structured editing checklist.
- Discuss proposed revisions with a partner, negotiating which changes to accept.
Communication Scenario
Emma's editor at the magazine has returned her draft of the "くらしと専門知識" column about 田中さん's dialect-use research from Chapter 17, with comments in the margins. The draft is accurate, but the editor notes that some sentences repeat information, the register shifts unexpectedly in two places, and one paragraph is harder to follow than it needs to be. Before the piece can run, Emma must work through the editor's feedback, tighten the writing, and produce a clean revised draft — the same skill she will need for any piece of professional or academic Japanese writing going forward.
- The learner listens to an editor giving verbal feedback on a draft and notes the specific changes requested.
- The learner reads a marked-up draft with margin comments and identifies what kind of problem each comment addresses.
- The learner practices concision by shortening wordy sentences without losing meaning.
- The learner revises their own Chapter 17 research summary for register consistency, cohesion, and accuracy.
- The learner discusses proposed edits with a partner or instructor and decides which revisions to accept.
Core Vocabulary
This chapter's vocabulary supports discussing drafts, feedback, and the process of revision itself. As in earlier Unit IV chapters, these terms are chosen because they let a writer talk about their own writing clearly, not because they belong to a single academic field.
| Japanese | Reading | Meaning | Domain |
|---|---|---|---|
| 下書き | したがき | draft | Writing process |
| 推敲 | すいこう | careful revision, polishing (writing) | Writing process |
| 修正する | しゅうせいする | to correct, to revise | Writing process |
| 省く | はぶく | to omit, to cut (unnecessary content) | Concision |
| 重複 | ちょうふく | duplication, redundancy | Concision |
| 簡潔 | かんけつ | conciseness, brevity | Concision |
| つながり | つながり | connection, cohesion | Cohesion |
| 文体 | ぶんたい | writing style | Register/style |
| 統一する | とういつする | to unify, to make consistent | Register/style |
| 誤変換 | ごへんかん | incorrect kanji conversion (IME error) | Script/accuracy |
| 指摘する | してきする | to point out (an issue) | Feedback |
| 改善する | かいぜんする | to improve | Feedback |
All twelve items above are productive for this chapter. Additional editorial terms in the marked-up draft are glossed in context and remain receptive unless they recur across multiple exercises.
れんしゅう — Practice: Sort the twelve vocabulary items above into three groups: words about the writing process in general, words about concision and cohesion, and words about giving and receiving feedback.
Script and Terminology Focus
This chapter's script focus is kanji conversion checks, homophone errors, punctuation, ruby, and style consistency. As with Chapter 17, kanji you have already consolidated should not carry furigana, and new terms receive furigana only at first mention.
推敲 is a first-mention term with furigana on its first appearance in this chapter and none afterward. It is worth learning as a fixed two-kanji word rather than by its individual readings, since 敲 rarely appears outside this compound. When typing, IME conversion for words in this chapter's list can easily produce a plausible-looking but incorrect homophone: しゅうせい can convert to 修正 (correction, what this chapter means) or to 終生 (one's whole life), and かんけつ can convert to 簡潔 (conciseness, what this chapter means) or to 完結 (conclusion, completion of a series). Neither error announces itself visually; both produce a grammatically valid sentence with the wrong meaning. Checking a conversion by its meaning in context, not just its shape on screen, is the core habit this chapter builds.
れんしゅう — Practice: For each of the four new kanji cards above, write the compound word from the Core Vocabulary list that uses it. Then, for しゅうせい and かんけつ, write both the correct conversion for this chapter's meaning and the incorrect homophone described above, and write one sentence showing how context makes the correct choice clear.
Pronunciation Focus
When reading a piece of writing aloud to discuss possible edits, speakers often use a slightly flatter, more deliberate phrase rhythm than in ordinary narration, pausing at clause boundaries to give a listener time to consider a proposed change. Practice reading the example sentences in the Grammar section aloud twice: once at an ordinary narrative pace, and once with the more deliberate, editorial pacing used when walking someone through a revision. Keep vowel length and moraic timing steady in both readings; only the pacing and pause placement should change. As in earlier chapters, treat any pitch-accent notation as a reference tool rather than a required marking.
Grammar and Sentence Patterns
This chapter authorizes revision operations for nominalization, topic chains, particles, register, and sentence balance, building on the source-attribution, cautious-claim, and finding-report systems from Chapters 4, 16, and 17. No new clause type is introduced; the focus is using familiar structures to talk about and carry out revision.
1. Recommending a revision: 〜たほうがいい / 〜ないほうがいい
Purpose: to suggest a specific change to a draft, as feedback from one writer to another.
- この文は長すぎるので、二つに分けたほうがいい。This sentence is too long, so it would be better to split it into two.〜たほうがいい — recommending a change
- ここは敬語を使わないほうがいい。この段落は全体的にです・ます体だから。You shouldn't use keigo here — this paragraph is in です／ます style overall.〜ないほうがいい — recommending against a choice
2. Explaining why a revision helps: 〜と分かりやすい / 〜とつながりがよくなる
Purpose: to justify a proposed edit by naming its effect on the reader.
- 結果を先に書くと、読者にとって分かりやすい。If you state the result first, it's easier for the reader to follow.〜と分かりやすい — effect on comprehension
- この二つの文の間に「しかし」を入れると、つながりがよくなる。If you add "however" between these two sentences, the connection improves.〜とつながりがよくなる — effect on cohesion
3. Naming what to cut: 〜を省く / 重複を避ける
Purpose: to identify specific content that can be removed without losing meaning.
- この部分は前の段落と重複しているので、省いてもいい。This part overlaps with the previous paragraph, so it's fine to cut it.省いてもいい — permission to cut
- 同じ内容を二回説明しているので、重複を避けたほうが簡潔になる。You're explaining the same content twice, so avoiding the repetition would make it more concise.重複を避ける — naming the problem
4. Pointing out and confirming a fix: 〜を指摘する / 直しておきました
Purpose: to describe feedback that has been given, and to confirm a correction has already been made.
- 編集者は、二か所の誤変換を指摘した。The editor pointed out two conversion errors.を指摘した — reporting feedback received
- ご指摘の点は直しておきました。ご確認いただけますか。I've already fixed the point you raised. Could you take a look?直しておきました — confirming a completed fix, polite register
The language used about a piece of writing and the language used within that piece of writing can carry different registers at the same time. Emma and her editor may discuss the draft using ordinary polite conversation, complete with 〜たほうがいい and casual hedges, while the magazine column itself keeps a consistent, more neutral written style throughout. A common revision error is letting the conversational register of the feedback conversation leak into the piece being revised. Keeping these two registers mentally separate is itself a skill this chapter develops.
Grammar Practice
- Write a sentence recommending a change to a draft using 〜たほうがいい.
- Write a sentence justifying that recommendation using 〜と分かりやすい or 〜とつながりがよくなる.
- Write a sentence identifying repeated content using 重複 and 省く.
- Write a sentence confirming that a pointed-out issue has been fixed, using ご指摘 and 直しておきました.
Model Dialogue
Setting: Emma's editor, 山本さん, calls to walk through feedback on the draft from Chapter 17 before Emma revises it. Polite style throughout, appropriate to a professional working relationship.
Emma notes three revisions: cut the duplicated target-population sentence in paragraph four, unify the third paragraph's style with です・ます, and correct the 限界 conversion error.
ないようりかい — Comprehension check: What three problems does 山本さん identify? Which paragraph has a duplication problem, and which paragraph has a register problem?
Guided Practice
タスク１ — Information extraction. Reread the Model Dialogue and list the three revisions Emma needs to make, in your own words.
タスク２ — Sentence building. Using your list from Task 1, write one original feedback sentence for each revision, as if you were 山本さん giving the note yourself.
タスク３ — Pattern substitution. Rewrite 山本さん's three feedback points, replacing the specific problems with three different problems you invent (for example, a wordy sentence, a missing connective, or a different homophone error), while keeping the same grammar patterns.
Listening Practice
Ask your instructor, a partner, or a text-to-speech tool to read the following short passage aloud at the deliberate, editorial pace described in the Pronunciation Focus section.
きくタスク — Feedback on a different draft
この下書きは、全体的によく書けています。ただ、いくつか直したほうがいい点があります。まず、第一段落と第三段落で同じ説明が重複しているので、どちらか一つに省いてください。次に、第二段落は文体が統一されていません。です・ます体とである体が混ざっているので、どちらかに統一してください。最後に、専門用語を使うときは、初めて出てきたところで簡単な説明を加えると、読者にとって分かりやすくなります。
聞くタスク — Listening task: Listen at least twice. (1) Which paragraphs have a duplication problem? (2) What register problem does paragraph two have? (3) What suggestion is made about specialized terminology?
Speaking Practice
コントロールされた練習 — Controlled practice: Pattern drill
- ＿＿＿＿＿たほうがいいと思います。 (recommend a change)
- ＿＿＿＿＿と分かりやすくなります。 (justify a change)
- ＿＿＿＿＿は重複しているので、省いてください。 (name something to cut)
- ご指摘の＿＿＿＿＿は直しておきました。 (confirm a fix)
コミュニケーションタスク — Giving editorial feedback
With a partner or instructor, exchange your Chapter 17 research-summary drafts. Play the role of editor for your partner's draft, giving at least three specific pieces of feedback using this chapter's patterns. Then switch roles and receive feedback on your own draft, confirming which changes you will make.
ひとりでもできる練習 — Solo practice: Talking through your own revision
Record a one-to-two-minute spoken explanation, in Japanese, of three changes you plan to make to your own draft and why each change will improve it.
Reading Practice
Read the marked-up draft paragraph below, with margin comments, and complete the questions that follow.
下書き：地域の方言使用についての調査（編集者のコメント付き）
この調査は、この地域に十年以上住んでいる二十代から七十代までの住民を対象に行われた。【コメント１：この文は、次の段落にもほぼ同じ内容がある。重複なので、どちらか一つを省いたほうがいい。】聞き取り調査を中心に行われ、結果として、若い世代ほど方言をあまり使わないことが明らかになった。この結果は非常に興味深いものであると言えよう。【コメント２：この文だけ「である」体になっている。他の部分はです・ます体なので、統一する必要がある。】ただし、この調査には、対象者の数がまだ少ないという原界がある。【コメント３：「原界」は「限界」の誤変換だと思われる。確認してください。】
- What problem does Comment 1 point out, and what solution does it suggest?
- What specific sentence does Comment 2 refer to, and why is it flagged?
- What kind of error does Comment 3 identify, and what is the likely correct word?
- Rewrite the full paragraph incorporating all three comments, producing a clean revised version.
Writing Workshop
Revise your own Chapter 17 research-summary draft about 田中さん's dialect-use study, applying this chapter's editing systems.
- Check for duplication across sentences and paragraphs, and cut one redundant sentence using 重複 and 省く as your working vocabulary.
- Check register consistency throughout the piece, and correct any sentence that shifts unexpectedly between です・ます体 and である体.
- Check cohesion between at least two sentences, adding or adjusting a connective so the relationship between them is clearer.
- Check kanji conversions for at least three key terms, watching especially for homophone errors like the 限界／原界 pair from the Reading Practice passage.
- Write two or three margin-style comments of your own, in Japanese, explaining what you changed and why, using 〜たほうがいい, 〜と分かりやすい, or 指摘する.
チェックリスト — Editing checklist:
- I have removed at least one instance of duplicated content.
- I have made the writing style consistent throughout the piece.
- I have improved the connection between at least two sentences.
- I have checked kanji conversions for accuracy, not just visual plausibility.
- I have written margin comments explaining my own revisions in Japanese.
Culture and Communication
In Japanese professional and academic writing settings, feedback on a draft is often delivered as a structured but conversational exchange rather than a one-time verdict, with the writer expected to respond to each point and confirm what has been changed, as Emma does at the end of the Model Dialogue. Explicitly acknowledging feedback with a phrase such as ご指摘、ありがとうございます before describing the fix is a common and expected part of this exchange, regardless of how minor the correction is.
The register-consistency skills in this chapter connect back to Chapter 14's discussion of regional and social variation. A general-audience magazine column normally keeps a single consistent written register throughout, even when quoting a speaker who used informal or regionally marked language in an interview; any such color from the original conversation is usually smoothed into the article's consistent style unless it is presented as a direct, clearly marked quotation.
Common Mistakes to Avoid
Error: Writing most of a summary in です・ます体 but slipping into である体 for a single sentence that feels more "academic," as in Comment 2's example above.
Correction: Choose one style for the whole piece and check every sentence against it during revision: この結果は非常に興味深いと言えるだろう。
Error: Accepting 原界 for intended 限界 because both are real-looking two-kanji words and the IME offered a confident-looking candidate.
Correction: Check every converted term against its intended meaning in context, not just against whether it looks like a real word: 対象者の数がまだ少ないという限界がある。
Error: Responding to a duplication comment by deleting a sentence that actually contains new information, rather than the sentence that repeats an earlier point.
Correction: Compare the two overlapping passages carefully and cut only the version that adds nothing new, keeping whichever version states the information most clearly in its context.
Chapter Review
Section A — ごい (Vocabulary)
1. Complete the Core Vocabulary sorting practice above.
Section B — もじ (Script)
1. Complete the Script and Terminology Focus practice above.
Section C — ぶんぽう (Grammar)
1. Complete the Grammar Practice exercises above.
Section D — どっかいりかい (Reading comprehension)
1. Complete the Reading Practice questions above.
Section E — かくこと (Writing)
1. Complete your revised research summary following the Writing Workshop steps, as part of the Practical Performance Task below.
Section F — はなすこと (Speaking)
1. Complete the editorial feedback exchange from Speaking Practice, as part of the Practical Performance Task below.
Practical Performance Task
パフォーマンスタスク
くらしと専門知識：下書きを直す — Revising the Draft
Complete all four parts below to demonstrate control of this chapter's revision systems.
- Listening: Complete the Listening Practice task above and list the three issues identified in the passage.
- Reading: Answer the Reading Practice questions and submit your clean revised paragraph.
- Spoken interaction: With a partner or instructor, complete the editorial feedback exchange from Speaking Practice, using at least one instance each of 〜たほうがいい, 重複, 統一する, and 指摘する.
- Written production: Submit your revised Chapter 17 research summary along with your own Japanese margin comments, checked against the Writing Workshop's editing checklist.
Assessment focus: accurate identification and correction of duplication, register inconsistency, weak cohesion, and kanji conversion errors; correct and natural use of 〜たほうがいい, 〜と分かりやすい, 省く, 重複, 統一する, and 指摘する; a single consistent register maintained across the revised piece; and accurate kanji, particles, and register throughout spoken and written work.
Answer Key
Core Vocabulary
Writing process in general: 下書き, 推敲, 修正する, 改善する. Concision and cohesion: 省く, 重複, 簡潔, つながり, 文体, 統一する. Feedback: 指摘する, 誤変換.
Script and Terminology Focus
推 → 推敲; 敲 → 推敲; 省 → 省く; 潔 → 簡潔. For しゅうせい: correct 修正 (correction), incorrect homophone 終生 (one's whole life). For かんけつ: correct 簡潔 (conciseness), incorrect homophone 完結 (conclusion/completion). Open-ended for the example sentences; check that context makes the intended meaning clear.
Grammar Practice
Open-ended; model answers: (1) この段落は短くしたほうがいいと思います。 (2) 結論を先に書くと分かりやすくなります。 (3) この文は前の段落と重複しているので、省いてください。 (4) ご指摘の誤変換は直しておきました。
Model Dialogue — Comprehension Check
山本さん identifies: (1) duplicated target-population information between paragraphs two and four — cut the fourth-paragraph version; (2) paragraph three shifts to である体 while the rest is です・ます体 — unify the style; (3) a conversion error, 限界 appearing as 原界, in the final sentence. Paragraph four has the duplication problem; paragraph three has the register problem.
Guided Practice
(1)–(3) Open-ended; evaluate against the Grammar section patterns and the Model Dialogue. Expected list: cut duplicated sentence in paragraph four, unify paragraph three to です・ます体, correct 原界 to 限界.
Listening Practice — Model answers
(1) Paragraphs one and three contain duplicated explanation; one should be cut. (2) Paragraph two mixes です・ます体 and である体 and should be unified to one style. (3) The passage suggests adding a brief explanation the first time a specialized term appears, to help readers follow it.
Reading Practice
(1) Comment 1 points out that the target-population sentence duplicates content in the next paragraph; it suggests removing one of the two instances. (2) Comment 2 refers to この結果は非常に興味深いものであると言えよう。, flagged because it is the only sentence in である体 in an otherwise です・ます体 passage. (3) Comment 3 identifies a kanji conversion error: 原界 should be 限界. (4) Open-ended; a clean revision removes the duplicated sentence, restates the "interesting result" sentence in です・ます体, and corrects 原界 to 限界.
Chapter Review — Sections A through D
Open-ended; check against the Core Vocabulary, Script and Terminology Focus, Grammar Practice, and Reading Practice sections above.
Chapter Review — Sections E and F, and Practical Performance Task
These are open-ended production tasks. Evaluate the revised written summary and margin comments against the Writing Workshop checklist above, and evaluate the spoken interaction and listening summary against the assessment focus listed under the Practical Performance Task.
Looking Ahead
いまできること — What you can do now
You can give and receive feedback on a draft; identify and revise duplicated content, register inconsistency, and weak cohesion; recognize and correct plausible kanji conversion errors; read a marked-up draft and explain each comment; and produce a clean revised piece of writing from your own earlier work. This continues Unit IV of Volume IV. The next chapter moves from revising a single piece of writing to preparing a full portfolio for public-facing publication.